Orpheus
by aryaaa
Summary: With death looming around with its clutches , what will Matthew Crawley do to come back from dead and reach his beloved ones ?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: downton abbey belongs to PBS and julienne fellows if I was him I wouldn't have butchered Matthew at all

Matthew Crawley had never been this happy in his life, he might have felt more than happy but on that day, on that moment, there was only one word happy.

He became a father today.

Which was the most perfect description of a man's life , after being a husband and a son , for today his circle was complete he has a family , his very own little family which was perfect in every way , truth to be told he was quite worried , tensed and couldn't wait to get into that train and be with Mary , he was so stupid to let her go alone with Anna when he should have been there , he did not sleep a wink that night and his memory reversed back to Sybil , how she and Tom both had a very little time with each other after the baby was born and her death .

It was most painful moment Matthew has ever felt , Sybil was like a sister to him , sweet gentle Sybil died later that night , Mary was distraught so was he , Mary cried and cried and so did he , this time he was not ashamed to hide his tears .

Although his mother was posting him regular, he just couldn't wait to be with his wife, even if it meant being in other room, he wanted to see her and tell her how much he loved her.

He constantly prayed for his wife's safe delivery.

As he rushed like a mad man to his wife's labor room he was met with his son and his beaming wife

His son, his little boy, his little prince was waiting for his papa.

At that moment Matthew felt he could burst, is this happiness feels? He did felt it before when he married to Mary and when they got engaged even when they had their first kiss but this moment multiplied by hundreds thousands of moments couldn't describe what he felt.

Speechless.

His son gave a little cry in his arms, and he held his son closer to heart, he vowed from that moment and so on he would give his heart and mind, his body and soul to his children and his darling wife.

This moment was complete.

It was the most perfect moment and suddenly Matthew felt a sudden fear.

This moment was so perfect and serene , he felt some inane fear of losing them , they never had an easy road even before the wedding they got into an argument which would could have resulted in a split had tom never intervened .

He couldn't be more grateful to tom.

He tried to push his fear down and cuddled his family close; his son gave him small smile as if approving of him.

He kissed and probably said a thousand 'I love you 'but each time he had desired to say more.

But the family must be told, as it was tradition the father always tells the news of the baby, he had to go to downton and fetch others.

He really never wanted to leave his family.

After kissing them both, he headed out of hospital and reached for his car.

He was so very happy.

He began dreaming, about downton, about family, about his son, about his wife.

So much he was involved in those dreams, he did not see a truck come towards over him, he tried for the break but the for first time the breaks didn't work, he tried again but quickly lost the control of the car.

The truck hit him and sends his car flying off in the ditch.

Matthew was flung out of the car, hot pain ensued his body, and trail of blood was everywhere.

His very last thought, his only thought was _Mary._

To be continued …


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Downton abbey belongs to PBS, ITV Masterpiece and Julienne fellows

_3 weeks later_

As Matthew Crawley flexed his fingers and catching little fairies of dust while resting in hospital bed, he had a very odd thought.

It's been nearly 3 weeks he has been here, 2 spent most of time in pain and medicines and 1 week of physical rest and training to be normal

To be normal he gave a snort, his life was nothing but normal ever since entering downton his life has taken several turns which made him question about life over and over again

Indeed Robert crawley has changed his life.

When he first arrived, he was set on not to let anything change him, he was utterly despicable with his valet and headstrong and stubbornness took place.

Then came Mary, who despite being intelligent, smart and pretty was a horrid girl to him.

All that changed in course of few months when he saw real Mary Crawley emerge.

He felt pretty special that he was the only who can bring out the best and worst in her as she did to him

And thank lord he didn't lose his memories , he did though sustained several injuries , fractured ribs , a crushed leg which had to be replaced with fake one , his back hurt , but thank goodness his mind was sane , as it can be , he did however had a painful headaches whenever pain emerges , he sometimes loses control of his body and fails to stand upright on his own.

He had to use a cane, which made him laugh because he did use cane when he was injured during war.

But this time he wasn't lucky, the fake leg doesn't work for him, but the doctors tried very hard to bring him about.

Also he was in a remote place, whose name he forgot which was far away from downton.

Many people asked him who he was , where he come from , but Matthew kept himself , he knew if he tells them , word will spread that future heir of Grantham is alive and God knows how is family will search for him .

No he doesn't want to be found again, he doesn't want them to know the wounds and scars he had sustained again and again, he doesn't want their pity and sorrowful eyes again and their remarks how he is supposed to be active and running his estate this is torture for both of them.

He really doesn't want his wife to find him like this _again_.

The self loathing crept up on him during war , when he was injured badly , at that time Mary was sweet and kind to him , he always thought how someone like her can be like that , he thought it could be plot , to break off with his fiancée , and be with Mary again .

But in one part he welcomed Mary in a new way , they were friends , there was no marriage looming around , no downton heir issue , no games and motives just them , it was like time stopped for them and they got to know each other in a new way .

Mary who was engaged to Richard chalisle at that time , spend countless hours with Matthew , pushing his wheelchair around , discussing poetry , literature , nature of course the sensitive topic was left out .

But this he liked it, even though he knew he had her pity, it was welcoming, they were friends rather than they were pushed again in circle of marriages and heir ship.

This was what he wanted and he got it.

But he knew Mary she would never settle with a cripple man , who cant bore her children , destroy her future , for Mary deserved happiness and a picture perfect future and he can't do that her , it will be punishing her and selfish .

Now as a husband with fake leg could she ever accept it?

The doctor might have diagnosed wrong that time, but this time the evidence is clear, fake leg it is, would not this repulse her?

What about his son? His beautiful baby boy, who might be bit grown now, would he accept a father who has been crippling all his life?

Would he love him as Matthew loved his son?

Or would he be embarrassed like all elite children are when they are presented in society.

The society would be cruel to them because of him, a middle class lawyer with fake leg.

John bates had easy, but he Matthew Crawley has to be perfect in every way.

The second reason was nagging him since day one of his accident.

Who could have done this? Who would have messed with his breaks and made it look like an accident, hence to kill him?

Only he survived. But he knew his survival comes with cost, whoever messed with his breaks, would be after his family too, whoever intended to kill him, had to be after Mary, and this time he has to stop it.

He knew he never fought for Mary, he let her slip through fingers many times but this time he was damned if anyone hurts her.

He will find out, who did this, whatever it takes, and this time he will not be merciful.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Downton abbey belongs to julienne fellows and PBS, Masterpeice, and ITV

A/N : Hello as I am fairly new to world of downton and world of fan fiction , and I won't dare to change things but few tweaks will be there , your constructive reviews are welcomed , this fic intends to be bit dark , a side we didn't get to see of Matthew's in TV show , which I know he was completely capable of , it might be one point perspective , but that could be changed later , so bear with me please for my heart still yearns for Matthew as he never left . Thank you

Matthew splashed water in his face, he looked at his image in the bathroom mirror and he was unrecognizable.

He had lost his most of weight , gone was the boyish look with full cheeks and fresh face , his eyes seemed empty and cold , his cheeks were hollow , there was a huge scar from his left ear to neck indicating the scar which he received in accident .

God was merciful when he survived the accident, by length of his injuries, he would have been fairly been dead had it not been some villagers who found him in dead of night with faint pulse and brought him here.

He shook his hair , he was asked to wash his hair , it was dirty and grimy , he did wash off but the dirt and grime didn't even lessened with showers he got .

Life in hospital was not easy; he rarely talked and tried to work on his fake leg.

True the fake leg was starting to help a bit, but no more than few minutes, than he would sit down and start again.

And this was the problem

The problem was he was asked to leave the hospital, or rather _he _asked to leave, he stayed far too long, and his family will be worried sick he proclaimed.

The doctors were quite shocked to know he even had a family , of course he wanted to go , but the prosthetic leg was a major issue , he can't walk for miles but constant request and several arguments after the hospital staff was generous enough to drop him off near Yorkshire in a wagonette .

From there he could pick his journey.

Of course reaching ripens and downtown abbey would take its time, but he can rest for few days, and have to go major change in following days.

He wanted to change himself, he already lost too much weight, he couldn't barge in and state that has alive like cousin Patrick but he can be in a disguise.

He had a most ultimate plan to uncover the culprit who did this to him.

He had figured that his assassin whoever he is would have thought that Matthew is dead; he would go after Mary as soon as it was confirmed.

He can't be with his son and wife but he can protect them.

How? He doesn't know yet but this has to be done quickly as soon he reaches ripen .

The doctor examined him one last time; he gave him all the medicines and necessary steps to care for himself.

"Are you sure?" the doctor asked worriedly.

"Yes, I have to see my family, they are worried about me "he replied

"Who is in your family? Do you have a wife? Because of you have, you can tell me her name I can send telegram saying that you are here, this will save both time and money "

Matthew considered it, he would really like to see his wife here, and no doubt his wife would be here in a heartbeat. But he doesn't want Mary to see him like this, he has to treat himself better and find out the identity of his attempted killer before revealing himself to Mary.

How he longed to touch his wife , if he knew Mary , she would be searching for him , possibly herself , others would have assured her that he is dead but she won't accept it , his Mary was fearless brave and all good things combined , contrary what he first thought of her.

But this would be too dangerous, he can't risk Mary's life.

He shook his head "no I don't think it will be wise, I don't have a wife, my parents are dead, and all I have some distant cousins, I would go to them after all since they are only family I have been left "

"But surely if you call them they will come and collect you "the doctor suggested

"I don't think so, I have to see them myself besides they don't even know if I am alive or not, this would be a pleasant surprise for them" he smiled at thought of Robert suddenly finding him alive, his happiness would be countless of course.

" fine but if you , no listen to me if you ever need my help , telegram me instantly , I may be far but I can see what I can do and please take care of yourself " the doctor handed his card and pleaded.

Matthew looked at him with such gratefulness, they were the reason he was alive, he was thankful to so many of them, and owed them a huge debt.

"I can't thank you enough, I just want to say if not you than I wouldn't been alive "he spoke softly.

The doctor laughed and patted him in back.

_Downton Village_

Returning to his home was the most oddest feeling he ever had , while he was tired from his long journey , he wanted very much to go back to Crawley house , his mother would be worried sick , his heart twisted at thinking how his old mother who is so strong about her beliefs will suffering her absence, she did not like when he decided to live at downton after marriage , she wanted them to live themselves so that he and Mary can normality in their married life , he adopted for this idea but several things happened instantly , they nearly lost the estate had Matthew not saved them and become in charge and therefore forcing them to stay , plus Mary wanted to live with her parents and her sisters , he couldn't deny her that .

As the twilight struck, he went for a short walk, just to be close to his home, maybe he can look through the window and watch his mother reading by the fire, earlier that day, he had bought some hair dye, the fashion was getting popular and so he decided to dye his blond hair into dark brown in this way his killer would never know he is in downton, his picture of his wedding day were in newspaper of course, concealing his identity was important

He walked the road which led to his home, brushing off few stones here and there, he came upon his mother's neatly kept garden, her herbs and vegetables and the trees she so lovingly planted.

'_May I ask what are you doing there mother? 'He saw his mother gardening when he came upon her after work._

_His mother smiled and tended the earth with affection._

'_Gardening my son, did you saw Mr. Mosley's flowers the other day? Weren't they beautiful?" she asked as she planted the seeds._

" _yes mother I saw indeed they were quite pretty and no surprise when he won the award assuming the heart of change of cousin violet's " he sipped his tea and watched her work._

_His mother laughed and brushed her arm over forehead leaving a trail of mud in her face._

"_Mum wait "he reached for napkin and wiped off the mud he smiled at her and bend down with her._

"_I wonder what flower Mary likes "she grinned._

_Matthew was caught off guard, he didn't say anything, he knew that his mother knew about his secret affection for Mary but he had hidden it so well._

"_Doesn't matter, I don't think she is a flower type girl who will tend her garden like you do "he replied quietly._

_His mother tended after calia lilies and gives him an encouraging smile._

"_Do you like her?" _

"_What? " Matthew was again caught off guard._

"_I said do you like her or is it love now?" she asked _

"_I don't know what you are talking about "he dodged the question while heat flushed in his cheeks._

" _all I am saying that you are my son and I love you very much and therefore I will be happy whatever choice you make even if its Mary" she looked him in the eye if challenging him._

_So his mother will be happy even if it's Mary? Or any choice he will make._

"_What if I were say marry a middle class girl like you would you accept her?" he smirked _

"_Yes I will, but I will be happier if you marry with your own choice and for love" she said while sipping her tea_

_Why his mother has to be like that? So neutral and supportive _

" _that's a dilemma you are giving me mother , I know you are not fond of Mary and she wouldn't suit this lifestyle , she is used to riches and finer dinners , I can't give her that , I can't even let her steal her away from downton even when I am the earl I would have like to start my life normally , Robert may live for another 40 years and Mary and I would be a blizzard which couldn't be stopped " he said firmly._

"_A very powerful blizzard "his mother remarked._

_He sighed, he knew his mother would never give up but the good thing about her she won't push him like others pushed Mary._

_Maybe Mary doesn't need pushing, she has her own free will and she likes to keep it just like him._

"_Matthew all I am saying there is no harm in trying "she told him._

"_Pardon?"_

"_You don't need others to tell you that you like her, you already do, she could surprise you Matthew had she be given choice" his mother said._

_Matthew considered this for a long time what's the harm, he liked Mary, enjoyed her company, she was tore able if she was in good mood, and there was so much intelligence in her._

_They might enjoy each other. _

_This could be it, God he's going to ask her, he knows Mary will never accept him but a chance was all he had, and maybe they can learn to love each other? _

_In his heart a spark burst into a flame._

Matthew closed his eyes and let few tears drop , it was so hard on them , Mary rejecting him , him getting hurt , but most of all what the events took toll on his poor mother who so adamant in getting them together not just because of estate because she realized the depth of the feelings her son harbored for the girl.

They always ended up hurting each other.

Of course after marriage Mary and his mother had gotten very close, he liked the idea of two being friends.

Now he wonders if they are still supporting each other, he knows Mary could turn bitter, he hoped his mother was drawing her out of that bitterness

They were already suffering because of one stupid accident.

Maybe he could save them torment and reveal himself, they could be free of the pain of hurt killer be damned.

His mother was sitting quietly by fire, which was looking into deep into embers.

But besides Mary the killer could be after his mother too, mother of earl is never safe these days.

She had been crying, her handkerchief was wet with tears, as Matthew looked into that window, a thousand apologies rose to his throat.

How much he wanted to be in her arms.

His mother would be so happy to have her baby back. She will make him eat and rest and tend after him

For he will be always her baby.

His tears were unstoppable now, half a mind to go to her, half a mind not to go.

'_I am so sorry maman'_

If by instance his mother turned her head towards the window.

Matthew ducked back in the shadows.

As Isobel Crawley shut the window of her living room, she felt a faint whisper in ears but this would be an imagination filled with grief and shock

_I love you maman._

_Review please _


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: thank you for your kind reviews, I do hope I keep this story through your standards and help to understand Matthew and Mary's relationship. I do hope to see more Matthew and Mary fans out there.

Thank you!

Disclaimer: Downton abbey belongs to julienne fellows and Masterpiece, PBS and Itv.

Mary Crawley died a thousand deaths.

She died when she first let Matthew go in 1914, she died when she learned he had gone missing during war, she died when she saw him injured, she died when he announced to marry Ms. Swire, she died when he rejected her help and called it an end on Ms. Swire's funeral, she died how he had said they were cursed.

Maybe he was right they were cursed.

It's been three weeks and he has not come home.

Three weeks is a long time for a wife to wait for her husband to come home.

But she will wait forever

She heard her son cry in the nursery, she doesn't even make an attempt to see him, he has been not named yet, neither been christened her father was rather adamant to attempt the ceremony but Mary simply refused.

She can't do this without Matthew.

She felt like drowning, she has never been drowned before but ever since Matthew's missing _again_ she felt she is drowning, never coming up for air.

Angry, frustrated tears appear in her dark eyes.

What in God's name she has done to be acclaimed to this fate? She knew she was simply horrid before, she did an unlawful deed while being unmarried, and he died later.

Is this what she is a killer?

First Patrick died, true she wasn't too fond of him but she somehow blamed herself for his drowning, then Mr. Pemuk and now…

'_No don't even go there, he is not dead, they haven't found his body, he can't be dead, he is just missing that's all '_

Fear rose into her when she experienced those feelings _again._

She remembered how she felt when Matthew was missing during war, she just couldn't hold herself together, hard breathes came upon, and her world shattered.

But then again he came to her.

He had just been a little lost.

They all have been little lost.

But this time it feels like he's taking very long to come back.

Others presume he might be dead but she, his wife, his Mary wouldn't let this happen.

She simply refused to acknowledge this fact.

'Where_ are you? When will you come home? Come back, come back to me'_

She neither ate nor slept; all she did was cry and wait.

She didn't even attended dinners with her family , she refused to talk , she was horrible to everyone , she didn't even looked at her baby .

Bitter and angry thoughts consumed her.

The baby, Matthew was eager to have babies, she wasn't excited about children but Matthew wanted children so badly.

Maybe they could have waited for a bit.

She wasn't a wonderful mother, she was a horrible one.

Matthew will be upset to know that.

'_Where are you? When will you come? Please come back, come back to me'_

She blamed her child, her father, granny even Anna and Mr. Carson for this.

Why can't they tell her where he is?

She has to know, she has to find him.

Her son looked so much like Matthew it pained her to look at him.

'_I am a horrible mother, I am not fit to be a mother, I don't deserve him, Matthew does, where is he?'_

Her father have send search parties from Yorkshire to London , reported the police , called for investigation left no stone unturned into finding him .

She herself had gone out looking for him just days after her son's birth.

Instead of resting and glowing of mother hood she was moving from place to another, all of the places he could be, she even went to Manchester all by herself to find from his old neighbors if they heard of him.

She made several announcements in the news papers of his missing, offering huge reward to those who find him.

Everything was fruitless, she kept notes and records anything she could find to help her find him.

Later much later the police found his car in outskirts of a small town.

She rushed at the police office, the state of the car looked rundown, it was broken, crushed, and glasses were broken with several dents and bumps.

Was the car's owner suffered like this?

Was he hurt lying in ditch somewhere?

Did someone help him? Or is he buried there?

Just the mere thought of that send her to hysterics, she couldn't take it anymore, it was so wrong, and she couldn't understand Matthew was a sweet and gentle guy who will hurt him?

Unless someone took out their anger for her onto Matthew?

Someone did this to spite her, hurt her in the most indirect way.

Hurt those she loved.

Matthew suffered because of her.

It was all her fault, had she not been so proud and horrible, Matthew could have been saved.

Why did he even marry her? She doesn't deserve him, she was so horrible to him, she made the so many snarky and bitter remarks when he first came, she made his life a complete hell in downton.

For the life of her she couldn't even understand why did he love her?

In spite of all her flaws and mistakes, he loved her so much, yet she never deserved him.

She could die a thousand deaths and never deserve him.

She never asked him why he loved her. She thought she knew, he just did.

Now how much she wished she had known, there were times when he claimed how much he loved her she would just smile and kiss him and tell she knows, truth is she couldn't even say how much _she_ loved him, she just couldn't express it, topics like love were so foreign to her yet she was showered with his love everyday.

There was a knock in her door and she ignored it, it was Anna, ever since Matthew's missing she hasn't let anyone not even her mother enter their room.

She hasn't changed a single thing.

She left everything as it is, his clothes, the way his shoes were laying casually near the bed; the sheets still the same before they left for the north.

She did found Mr. Bates clearing up their room on the orders of her father, she threw such a fit that her father had to take back his orders and leave everything as it is.

" _I DON'T CARE IF HE IS GONE OR THE EARTH SALLOWED HIM I WANT HIS THINGS BACK , ALL OF IT " she yelled at her father that one time._

"_He isn't coming back, we found his car, and he could be dead as well "Edith intervened._

_Mary turned into this wild beast, to hear her husband being dead, even from Edith was torture, she rose up and tried to strangle her little neck had she not been backed by Carson at that time._

_She gave a wail and tried harder to let go off Carson's hard grip._

"_HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT MY HUSBAND IS DEAD! HE IS YOUR COUSIN AND BROTHER IN LAW GOD DAMN IT , HOW DARE YOU , HE IS NOT DEAD , HE IS ALIVE , HE'S HURT I AM SURE , HE IS ALIVE , HE WANTS US TO FIND HIM , WHY DID GOD CREATED SUCH AN UGLY CREATURE LIKE YOU ! "_

"_Edith please go out of the room you are only upsetting Mary "her mother gently held her eldest daughter as she cried hysterically._

_Edith left leaving Mary shattered._

_The dining room was pin drop silent expect of Mary's sobbing._

" _papa , please find him , I know he is there , he is alive , he is not dead , please , please , please , I promise I will be good ,I promise I will be lot like Sybil if you want me , but please find him , I , I , c…cant lose my husband " she sobbed hysterically and slumped to the floor ._

_Lord Grantham's heart broke to see his daughter like this._

"_My beautiful daughter do you think that only you lost him? He is my son just as much you are my daughter; don't you think I am doing everything I can to find him? Isobel is also in this deprived state, there is no one to comfort her, I promise to you both that I will bring him back, I will bring my boy back, no matter what it takes "her father softly spoke as he caressed her hair._

_After a long time sleep took her over, she doesn't remember who placed her in her room but she was there all filled with Matthew's things, she clutched his pillow and sobbed quietly into the morning._

And true to his word Lord Grantham left no stone unturned , the search was getting frustrated and fruitless , they hired London's most brilliant detectives to find him even they have had end of it .

It was a game of cat and mouse.

Tom Branson told her that his world have been destroyed ever since Sybil's death.

And now it doubled when he lost his best friend.

He too had gone with her to find him, left no hospitals and morgues untouched just to see his best friend.

Because no news is worse news.

Is he dead? Is he alive?

People tell her to move on but how can she when life stood this limbo, she had lost all hope, she must have died, and she _should_ die.

Granny once told her to make a choice between life and death.

She didn't answer at that time because she was so confused and tired at that time.

But now she had an answer.

_Death, I choose death._

Please review


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Downton abbey belongs to Julienne fellows, Masterpiece, ITV and PBS

A/N: As I stated in my previous chapter that this story is one point perspective and could be change please do not be confused If I sometimes switch perspectives to Mary and others too, yes in season 4 we have see all perspectives but that was a different ending, but here situation is bit different from that and more complex I might add. Please stay with me on this, and your constructive reviews are always welcomed. 

If you wish to add some knowledge to Mary and Matthew please do share PM me whenever you want.

We might experience certain activities supernatural stuff but I assure it will make sense in further chapters.

Blood, hot dark and red, it was _everywhere_.

Matthew lifted his head, his face full of dirt and dust and his throat suddenly parched, he was lying in the ground and strangely he was wearing his war uniform.

He turned and saw William trembling, the blast had effect him severely, and William was shaking in utmost pain.

William 's uniform was soaked in blood , there was a deep hole in his chest just above his heart , Matthew opened his shirt and felt the wound , it was looking fatal , he had to be cured quickly .

"William, William can you hear me?" Matthew's face shook while he felt for more wounds

No answer.

"William, William I will take you to barracks and get you all help you need, you must stay with me William "

Again no answer

"Please "come a shaken plea from Matthew's lips.

He wanted to carry William but he was injured himself too, still he was able to stand up and drag William with him.

But William didn't get up he died in Matthew's arms.

Matthew felt beyond shock

William mason was not supposed to die, he was to come back and marry his love of life Daisy the kitchen maid, he was supposed to help his father in farm, and he was supposed to become a butler just like his mother dreamed.

But all that crushed when he decided to save Matthew Crawely.

Matthew felt self loathing to himself, he was not to be saved, he caused so much hurt, and even William died for him.

Twin tears tracked from his eyes.

But suddenly William's body changed.

In his arms was a beautiful red head with pearly white night dress, her green eyes smiled at him.

"Lavinia "

Lavinia smiled at him again and shook her head tiredly.

"Hello Matthew "she whispered.

"Lavinia how, how on earth? …..but you died …..And William …what's happening? "His tone was panicked and he seemed no idea what happen how on earth did William change to Lavinia, is this dream, a night mare or has he died and joined them?

"It's ok, come here Matthew "she indicated to sit next to him

"Are you alive?" dumb , really dumb question.

"No "she replied.

Now Matthew was getting annoyed, he wasn't used to such short answers, his frustration beyond control.

"Then tell me what are you doing here?" came a frustrated question.

Lavinia again smiled.

"You should tell her Matthew"

Tell who?

"You should tell her the truth; she is suffering a lot "lavinia added seriously.

Matthew hung his head.

"I can't "

"You have to, she is suffering, she is in pain, you should go to her "

"Since when do you care about her? All I know you died telling me that you want me and Mary to be together and you had doubts which later confirmed "

Lavinia laughed throwing her mane of red hair in front of her face.

"Oh Matthew, isn't this right?"

Matthew frowned at her; Lavinia always had the ability to treat something serious into light and fun which was an admirable quality.

"No it isn't and by far it doesn't work that way "he folded his arms and pouted like a child.

"Matthew since when did you carry such hate that would drive you away from your family? And since this is 'protecting 'you are telling me, you should know that you will just be putting Mary and yourself in further misery "she stopped laughing and watched him firmly.

Matthew 's temper seemed to rise , whatever this place was it was driving him apart already , he knew he was putting Mary and himself out of misery , but he has to find out , he has to know , he can't just let anyone pass by and let them hurt his family . What if the killer comes after his Mary, his son? And besides he was a cripple now, they will never accept him.

" Wrong Matthew , you think wrong , they will love you no matter what else , they love you already that they could not bear to be without you , you are making excuses , go back to them , fake legs don't matter when it comes to be with ones you love " Lavinia answered

"I can't put them into risk "he replied quietly.

"Trust me, you already did "

_3:46_

Matthew jolt awake.

It was a dream all of it, William, blood, war and Lavinia.

He was alive and well.

He felt his face to notice any fresh wounds; his fingernails to check blood all were clean.

But the dreams were so vivid.

Every night he dreamt of war and killings and death.

But this was scariest.

Maybe Lavinia was right , he should go to Mary , be with her , god knows if he is here suffering , then what she is going through thinking her husband is dead.

And their son, what about their son?

Had she named it him yet?

He really wanted to see his baby boy.

He never told this to anyone but when he learned he had a boy he was overjoyed , not that he would be overjoyed to have a girl which was an equal pleasure but he already picked names when Mary become 5 months along .

He had picked several names , he kept a stack hidden under his desk in downtown , he often wondered what will be the perfect name for their baby , he did discussed it with Mary who laughed and said it was still time.

George, it was perfect and short named after his maternal grandfather who was a doctor.

He had seen grandpapa before and always admired his middle class lifestyle; grandpapa always taught him that a man values three things in life.

Love, honor and duty.

The day his son was born Matthew wanted badly name him but as tradition he wanted family to be there first.

George Robert Reginald Crawley.

It was a long name but it represented best of both worlds.

He really hoped Mary hadn't named him something funny which was in trend these days.

_Can I do this? Can I stay apart from them? _He thought

_It won't be easy, Mary needs protection and only person who can protect is me; I will have to keep an eye for her _

Another frustrated sound came, Matthew wanted to rip his hair out.

_Let's just hope I find that bastard who messed with me quick and get over it quickly so I can be with my family _

_For the bastard should be counting his moments now._

_Downton abbey 8:15 am_

Matthew brushed dirt of his shoes, in nervous way when he stared at the big house. 

He was home finally.

The sight of downton is still so beautiful, it took him into when he first saw downton abbey.

When he first saw downton abbey, he was shocked, he never saw a place like this, it was like a dream to him with its structure mighty and tall it stood proud revealing history of crawleys in this place.

When he first arrived in this house, he expected to be cold and not comfortable, it would be stifling even to breathe there, and houses like downton only existed in fairy tales where there is a prince and a dragon.

His father did reveal some downton secrets, he had of course never been downton himself, but as a family he wanted to know place better.

He saw downton only once in his life and thus described to Matthew as

_Huge and cold _

But to Matthew this place warmed to him pretty soon, true apart from Mary and few servants, this place become his sanctuary, it was warming and loving in every way, true they had their fair share of ups and downs but he gradually felt he was no longer outsider to this place rather a very warm loving house waited for him for centuries.

He was sad and disappointed when he was named the heir of downton, he always believed that he would never have such luck, didn't believe in big chances, always so proud of his roots.

But life had other plans.

Staring downton magnificent structure at first angered him

He knew he couldn't handle this.

Such cold and huge house, how on earth he will manage?

He didn't know a thing about managing an estate like this.

Apart from Robert, Sybil and William everyone haven't been very kind of him.

Traditions hold this place.

He knew he was the one who could break old traditions of downton and bring new ones, a change perhaps.

Robert had been so kind to him treating him like a son helped him in every step of way.

But it was dangerous.

He could see Mary's jealousy when her father favored him, he didn't like it, he did try to change Robert's mind, about entailment.

It was not because he had any feelings for Cousin Mary at that time.

But that sad and helpless look in her eyes stated there was nothing could be done.

He didn't know what to feel towards Mary, his mother and cousins wanted him to marry her.

But he knew, that Mary will never accept him

He too had reservations of Mary.

But all that changed when they decided to call a truce.

Matthew never knew the right moment, the right words when he fell in love with Mary but he knew one thing that he couldn't bear to see her unhappy.

Of course when she rejected him, he was hurt, he was no angel himself, had let string of curses under his breath and did really wish he hadn't met Mary.

Then there was war, and in war the only face surprisingly came to him was Mary.

He tried to push her away many times, but found himself close to her all times.

Had his fiancée never confirmed him that he indeed loved Mary he would not have believed it.

But this place, this house become home to him when he decided to be with Mary.

Downton actually opened him in welcoming arms when he moved in as the legal heir and co master of the house along as a husband of Mary Crawley.

This place was very special to him.

Robert may claim it's his fourth child and third parent but Matthew may claim that this is _his home._

After all homes is where heart is.

No matter how many bloody wars, deaths, accidents and births, wedding and funerals will be seen here

Downton will always welcome him home in one way and another.

"Can I help you?" came a gruff voice.

Matthew turned to the speaker; Mr. bates still looked same, with his cane and a peaceful expression in his face.

The urge to tell to Mr. bates was hard to resist.

Mr. John Bates noticed him carefully; his eyes landed on his scar, his hair and his clothes but more intense was his gaze in when he looked at his eyes.

_Oh God, don't give me away, not yet._

He should speak quickly

"I, hello, good morning, I have an interview with Mr. Carson "his voice came a little rusty after not speaking.

"And your name?"

"Peruses, Percy Jacoby "he honestly had not decided on the name, so he spoke what came into his mind first thing.

_Pursues, really? Mary called you persues sometimes_

"Well I believe you are here for interview for gardener, our last one just took retirement and we indeed have been searching for one but we haven't been expecting …..Someone so young" bates's eyes trailed into his eyes.

Matthew covered his eyes with hair and cap.

"Well come on then Mr. Carson is probably waiting for you "he started to walk to servant's entrance.

Matthew followed giving one last look to his home. 

Please review.


	6. Chapter 6

_Downton Abbey 8:39 am_

"I am sorry did you just say that you knew Mr. Matthew?"

Charlie Carson rose from his seat; his crisp uniform looked sharp against the morning daylight. He rubbed his temples quite few times ever since he came to interview Mr. Jacoby, who sat there right in front of him with his haunting blue eyes staring at him.

Carson _knew_ he had seen those eyes before but where? He couldn't remember.

The young man who came for his interview quietly sipped his tea and held his head down.

Though the young man had no reference, he was a war veteran; he even showed his fake leg to him.

_Just like Mr. Bates when he first came here_

Ever since Mr. Matthew has been missing the house was turned upside down .the whole house was in grief , lady Mary's anger filled screams filled the walls of downtown , his lordship 's constant tears did nothing to help in this situation .

Carson felt that a huge load had been on his shoulders now.

The whole house was caught in a storm; they were picking the pieces to slowly build again.

But whenever he picked pieces it all fell down again.

He like Mr. Matthew, had been strong supporter of him, he really thought Mr. Matthew being here the house was brought into life.

All that gone when the news broke.

Mr. Matthew could be missing or worse dead.

He didn't want it to be true.

The servants were constantly whispering something of which he can't control.

And their gardener took retirement which added another stress to Carson.

His heart condition was getting weak now , dr Clarkson told him to rest but how can he when he have so much to do

It seemed to Carson that he was doing a bad job at holding this house together

Now the issue of hiring another gardener tolled on him.

Somehow this young man wasn't convincing him well enough until he produced a letter.

A letter written by Mr. Crawley to lady marries.

Carson rubbed his face with his hands and sat down.

The young man seemed very quiet and kept folding and unfolding his hands.

"How do you know Mr. Crawley?" Carson asked the young man.

The young man faced him, his expression peaceful and calm.

" he and I were in battle fields together sir , Captain Crawley lead us to many brave battles and gained us victory , he was a good captain loyal to his troops and a firm leader " Mr. Jacoby smiled a bit and returned to his calm expression.

"What rank were you?"

"Solider sir, just a solider "

Carson rubbed his face again, is this true? Everyone knew Mr. Crawley was brave and victorious leader in the war, his loyalty was outstanding many generals have praised his leadership qualities.

But the way the young man spoke as it was so familiar, as if he knew captain Crawley

Really well.

But the letter which Carson insists to read first was another proof that this man could be saying is right.

But the request to meet Lady Mary was odd one.

Carson knew lady Mary should know about this, but if Mr. Jacobi goes with this letter a sudden chain reaction could break.

For this letter could bring hope and if that hope is crushed lady Mary would crumble like porcelain doll.

Nothing would support her.

The young man insisted to meet Lady Mary just once as on orders of his former captain.

"If I could just see Lady Mary for one second I can assure you I am telling truth "the young man begged.

"No that would be dangerous "Carson told him off.

"But Mr. Carson it's …

"you must know Mr. Jacobi that lady Mary is not "herself "this moment, since Mr. Crawley's missing the whole house is in grievance, some of them think he is dead, I don't want doubts coming to their heads which leads to nowhere by seeing you and I can't offer you the job" he told him, his expression serious and firm.

The young man's jaw dropped.

For a minute there was a silence but then Mr. Jacoby stood up.

" I am sorry sir , but I beg to differ you , you see captain Crawley did promised me hospitality when I arrive at this house , you may not like me , I may not like you but I can assure I am a hard worker and despite being a cripple I am good at my work , job or no job , I wanted to deliver this letter to lady Mary which she never got , I hear she's quite intelligent she will know what to do with me once she has read this letter " Mr. Jacobi finished , his cheeks blushing and his breath panting.

"Yes well, I won't let you that "Mr. Carson replied

The young man then moved to the door, his hands towards the handle.

"I really wish you had considered it Mr. Carson, please don't think ill of me "

With that the young man rushed towards the stairs, his angry steps made towards upstairs.

Mr. Carson followed, bellowing to come back

The young man never stopped.

_Upstairs breakfast room Downton abbey _

As Matthew rushed to the room he knew everyone will be in it, he also knew that Mr. Carson and several other servants were after him.

_So many rooms, where to hide_

He ran like mad men towards the hall, the lobby, and his legs rushing and shaking from all running, he chose to hide in the coat closet when he heard the servants came near.

After that he made a bee line towards the breakfast room.

It wasn't easy with his fake legs; several hall boys grabbed him from the back and mauled him over.

"Ouch, you nasty little things let me go!" he screamed while one of the hall boys pulled at his leg.

"God this house is going rogue"

Tom Branson stood in front of him.

"Let him go please "the hall boys left him and all explaining at once who this man was and how dangerous could he be

Tom only smiled and told them to be off.

He offered his hand to Matthew who in turn was left in crumple of clothes and adjusting his leg.

"You alright?" tom's voice came to him.

Matthew nodded, over the years Matthew and tom shared a very brotherly bond, the two become very good friends over the time.

"My goodness what have they done to you?" he lifted him up and brushed his clothes.

Matthew, who didn't like any brushing, flinched.

"I am fine Mr. Branson "he replied.

Tom's face become shocked.

"How do you know my name?"

Matthew smirked, even the years have passed but tom was still the same person he met so many years ago.

Even marrying Sybil didn't change him

He was bit like him.

"You are very popular Mr. Branson; your marriage was most talked in the area where I used to work "he smirked.

Tom blushed.

Matthew felt regret, it has been over a year since Sybil died leaving tom with their daughter

"I am sorry sir, I should not have spoken out of turn, please forgive me "Matthew casted his eyes down.

Tom was silence for a moment, but he smiled and waved it.

"It is quite alright, are you here to meet someone?" he enquired.

"Actually yes sir, you see I have a letter for Lady Mary Crawley, it's a message from Mr. Matthew "he showed the crumpled letter.

Never had he seen tom Branson shocked.

His eyes flipped out and his expression become stony, his hands trembled; his eyes were on fire he took Matthew by shoulders and pushed him to the wall, which caused Matthew to moan in pain.

"Tell me this is cruel joke you are playing on us you bastard, what have you done with Matthew? Where is he? What do you want from us you sniveling gold digging dog! "His breath was panted; his hold on Matthew grew tighter

Matthew could see the pain and hurt in tom's eyes, clearly he is effecting more than Mary here, tom is his friend of course he has every _right _to strangle every stranger who claimed that they have seen Matthew for money.

"WELL?" tom's voiced boomed in his eardrums.

Matthew flinched with pain again, the back injury and leg wasn't helping but he had to answer tom

" no….nothing …sir , I don't know where he is , I haven't seen him since war ended , he and I use to be in trenches and we worked as a team , he was my captain and I followed his orders ,I don't want any money , I don't want anything from you or your family , please believe me " he pleaded.

Tom wasn't convinced, his hands put more pressure in his shoulders, Matthew howled at pain.

"I should let Carson and his men at you for you are no better than a filthy liar, I swear to god if I find out you have been hiding Matthew and want to blackmail my family, I can assure you won't live rest of your lives in peace! "Tom snarled his eyes portraying deep hurt and his voice thick with pain.

The guilt was just growing and growing.

"Please believe me sir, I am telling nothing but truth! " Matthew insisted.

At this tom hit him In the wall , Matthew felt a large lump growing in his back of his head, tom was about to throw a punch when they heard ….

"TOM BRANSON STOPS THIS INSTANT!"

Matthew closed his eyes.

Her voice.

His Mary's voice

After so many days he heard it, it felt like a sweet music.

Tom immediately let go of him, and two men broke apart.

There in the stairs, stood lady Mary Crawley followed by Carson and the hall boys.

Dressed in black , Mary looked she aged a hundred years old , her eyes were bloodshot , her skin was pale , she had lost all the color in her face , there seemed drastic weightless and she looked so weak and fragile like a paper doll he used to see in the shops when he was a boy .

So fragile, so pretty, yet so strong.

He resists that smile which he knew would be growing had this situation was different.

Had Matthew been her side and if tom and Matthew get involved in a brawl she would have scolded them both severely.

"Mary ….this man claims he knows Matthew, you know how many men like him came before, they nearly emptied our vaults! please Mary don't do this , we can't be sure if he , really has information on Matthew , that is if he has correct one " tom pleaded

His sister in law ignored him gave a cold hard look at Matthew.

Matthew lost the ability to breathe.

The world seemed to get smaller and smaller when they stare at each other, just like the first time they laid eyes upon each other, the mixed feelings shock, disgust, happiness and now pain.

He truly represented like a goldfish out of water.

It was so heartwarming to see her again he could see her all day and not get tired.

But Mary jerked her head, shaking it if trying to deny something.

_Aim here Mary, I am right here_

"I believe you have something for me Mr. Jacoby? A letter perhaps? Carson told me "she coldly asked while holding her chin up.

Matthew who stood very still, jerked at her voice

"Y…yes my lady I believe I have "he produced his letter handed to Mary.

Mary took the letter and opened it gracefully.

The contents of letter were:

_Dear Percy,_

_I know our time in war was very long and tough , it was a string between life and death , if you must know you have been very valuable to me during that time , I cherish our time together even though it was dark and broody we did have some fun time , I am in your debt Jacoby since you saved my and many others lives in Somme with your astute knowledge of herbal medicines many soldiers were able to heal faster and better , if you ever need anything , just ask , I will be glad to help you in every way , my home is open for you hence if you come by soon, I long to hear you soon my friend and bring your family too , my family would enjoy meeting you all . _

_Yours truly,_

_Captain Matthew Crawley _

_17 -11-19_

As Mary read the letter, Matthew watched her expression; it turned from cold to dark, to painful to tearful.

He was so sorry that he caused so much pain to her, to them.

_I am sorry Mary; please forgive me, if I had not written this myself you would never have believed me._

"Well it's certainly Matthew's handwriting but then anyone can forge "Mary spoke after a while.

A hint of tears clouding over her eyes, she was expecting good news not this measly letter.

Matthew gathered Mary has gone so bitter that she won't consider him at all.

" my husband did promise you his help , but truth is he is not here to help you Mr. Jacoby , you see he went missing three weeks and 5 days ago , I have no information where he is , if he is alive or….

Mary seemed to be fainted; he knew Mary could not even bear the thought of him being dead

Carson and tom rushed to her side and pulled a chair for her.

But Mary strong as ever insisted she was fine and despite the fresh wave of tears looming her face she spoke bravely

"my husband promised you his help and if he was here he would have helped you but I don't you, I don't you where you come from, how you met him, I want to work according to Matthew's instructions but truth is this is so confusing, I don't know what to do "she spoke quietly while looking at the ground the tears dropped, making the deep red carpet rich in color.

Matthew's heart broke.

_I am not dead Mary, I am here, I am alive here, for you I am alive, or else I would have died a long time ago _

"My lady if I may? " Carson interrupted

"Yes?"

"given the behavior this young man showed us this morning we should not hire him, he seems rash and doesn't even come with reference of work but given that Mr. Matthew himself wrote this letter and promised him help and he may be our connection to Mr. Matthew's finding, he may know his friends or comrades who were in war with him and this man could lead us to them, if Mr. Matthew is happening to be among them we can find him in no time "Carson debated

"Wait a minute how you know he even knows Matthew, he hardly knows where he is yet alone help us "tom spoke

Carson seemed irritated.

"_I_ am sorry sir, but I would go ends of the world to find Mr. Matthew and bring him back, I am sure this young man seems genuine enough, but for lady Mary's sake I like to keep the hope that our young lord is alive and safe and will be back home shortly "Carson spoke as he looked at Matthew.

Matthew couldn't believe it.

He knew they would found out so therefore they need to work fast.

" I want to run this with papa , I want to know what he thinks , if he says that Mr. Jacobi stays , he stays , I agree with tom I don't believe he might know Matthew well , but I am ready to take that chance , if Mr. Jacobi does know something vital regarding Matthew I am sure he will come clean but mind you Mr. Jacobi if you by any means exploit my grief in any way you will be sorry , I would not force you but if you by any means give us false information I shall make it see that tom indeed makes your life worse " Mary spoke coldly .

"I, but I really don't know where he is my lady "Matthew said.

Mary made an irritating noise like she has listened to this many times.

"I know you don't, but anything, anything will help, any memory which he spoke of, a location anything unlike Carson and me everyone believes he is dead, and I don't, I might go to hade's underworld and bring him back if just means to be with Matthew for a moment longer "her determined eyes challenging him if trying to him dare wrong her.

"I won't in anyway take advantage of the situation my lady; I would help you in any way I can "his head bowed low as he swore to come clean as soon this is over.

Mary smiled a bit, it might be such a long time for her, and she didn't give much away.

"Good then you are hired "

Please review


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: downton abbey belongs to Julienne fellows and PBS, Master piece, ITV

_Downton Abbey 8: 00 pm_

As Mary put last finishing touches to her dress, she preferred to be dressed alone without Anna's help, she took out her customary lilac dress which she adored very much and put it on. Truth is she didn't want Anna's help or anyone's for matter; she was so tired of pitiful glances and pats on her back like she has lost something valuable and could not be returned.

_How dare they? Thinking he is dead, he is NOT dead, he survived the war for God's sake, if it hadn't been William, we could have lost him._

A tear made a way through her cheek not because for her husband but this time it was for William Mason, sweet and innocent William Mason who gave his life to save Matthew, she was eternally thankful for his scarified, for saving Matthew, to her William after Carson was favorite, he was only a footman but he was the most innocent of them all.

others well they are fine , mars Patmore is like a mother too , always leaving her best lemon tarts in the world , she has mixed feeling for O ' Brian she knew O' Brian wasn't a bad woman , there could be a good reason why her mother trusted her . 

Thomas was confused, he confuses her, Sybil told her that Thomas was very dedicated to war trodden patients, sometimes could be thick headed but inside the hard exterior he was quite soft.

Daisy sweet little daisy who was so guilty of her insecure love for William after he died, her grandmother told her how daisy was guilt trodden and how she alone carried the guilt and sadness.

How proud she has been, while she was in her world, her own bubble of fashion, parties and fancy dresses, her employees were wrecked with war and after math of war.

It was after getting married to Matthew had she bonded to her servants, Matthew is very close to her employees, how he loved Mrs. Patmore's cooking, Thomas's contribution to war, daisy representing as a brave widow of a brave solider, during her pregnancy when she had sudden crave, he would go downstairs and beg Mrs. Patmore for lemon tarts and pickles and relishes while she throttled in sour mood.

And Moseley poor Mosley , who has been so lost , tended Mrs. Crawley and Crawley house , he would make visits to downton ever since , acquiring the news of his beloved master whom he has a very close relationship .

She really didn't live in a rock, her servants were better to her than family, while family would mark her as pitiful, her servants always treated as normal human being.

She would often wonder into kitchen by herself and watch quietly them doing work.

It was uncharacteristic of her of course but she wasn't her mother who was married to the earl, she was Mary married to a lawyer who taught her so much and had so much to learn.

'_if we have to survive in this world my love we have to get to know them better , they don't just work for us , they are our friends who help us build who we are'_

That's what he said when he took her to kitchens quietly and observes them.

At that time she didn't understand the concept of upstairs and downstairs, but according to Matthew who just 'the stairs 'he quoted now she understood the life in her house.

It was vastly different yet so similar in a strange way.

The dinner gong rang and this time she decided to be with her family.

_8: 30 pm_

"Look what the cat dragged in "came Edith's snide remark.

Mary rolled her eyes, and quietly sat in the further corner of the table.

Her father and mother both smiled while the dowager countess her granny gives her a hard look.

"You have lost weight "she remarked.

Mary didn't reply, waited patiently for the soup to arrive, she noticed one seat was empty, which was quite strange had the given occupant should be with them through these times.

"Where is my mother in law?" she asked, looking at her father pointly.

" cousin Isobel didn't want to join , we have asked her again and again but she always refused , she hasn't been here since …. Her mother broke off suddenly,

Mary closed her eyes and counted to ten , white hot rage coursed through her veins , a strange feeling took place , they are trying to rub the existence of Matthew , she knew her mother would never ask " again and again ' who had her own pride would never 'beg' someone to come over , just as

_Matthew never existed_

'Have you asked Isobel _nicely?'_

Her mother was shocked; being talked in this way was the first time from one of her daughters.

"What are you implying my dear?" Granny intervened.

" all I am asking where Isobel is , when she should have been and mama here says she asked her again and again and Isobel refused , maybe mama never asked her in first place" Mary pointy stared at her mother and grandmother .

"You will not talk to your mother and grandmother likes that!" bellowed her father.

"I would like to try "came a snide reply

"Enough! You come here after nearly a month, ignoring your child acting as a grieving widow, being bitter and irresponsible, when you should be thanking us in first place! "Her father firmly told her.

"Thank you? _ Thank you? _ Really? then if you want me to thank you , stop wearing _ black _, stop throwing this pity on me , treat me normal , bring Isobel here , even if she doesn't come , call on her , ask her how she is doing , my husband isn't _dead_ for heaven's sake , he is only missing , I am not acting as widow papa , I have just lost my ability to live that's all !" she threw down her napkin .

Fresh tears emerged , she knew she was horrible to her family but this pain , this pain was so much , was so _tiring _ she was completely exhausted .

"Mary …..Her mother began

"I am sorry, I ….lost my composure, it's like seeing Isobel not here is like Matthew is …._OH GOD… I can't breathe ….and the baby …..I wish it was a girl " _

Her sobs broke down and she nearly fainted, this pain was too much, she wanted it gone, she didn't want to deal with it, she was exhausted and tired.

Her parents were right by her side.

Comforting her, soothing her

_Damn you Matthew Crawley _

Now she was angry at Matthew, for bailing out on her, had he found someone else? Doesn't he want her? Is he not in love with her anymore? Has he feeling guilty lately? Mary knew if they had not kissed then LavInia would never have spotted them out, never had to fall sick, never had to die with broken heart.

_We are cursed you and I _

That's what he said, at her funeral, at that time he was so bitter and angry in which Mary could not do anything expect see him grow into a living shell.

How she longed for the man she loved.

But Matthew is a fighter, he always fought, she should be thankful to Isobel for knocking some sense into his head.

She never wanted him to be that way, but now tables are turned, _she _is bitter and angry, she is the one who is drowning in sorrows, and she is the one who is lost in the world of chaos.

And there is no one to pick pieces expect her, she has to fight for Matthew, has to believe that he is very much alive, if not for her sake then for her son.

Her baby boy, whom she refused to see since he was born, he looked so much like Matthew, with blond hair and blue eyes, she discovered she couldn't be a wonderful mother like Matthew said she would be.

But she is near his door when he cries, the nanny give her strange looks but she leans closer when she hear his coos and cries , she sometimes stands all day observing how easy the nanny is with the baby .

_Your son is growing up, why aren't you here?_

Truth is she should be there too; question is how long would she keep this up? She couldn't ignore her son any longer but Matthew's eyes overwhelm her.

_Downstairs the servants hall 10:00 pm_

All it took Matthew was self control.

As it was his first day, Mr. Carson had invited him to dine in with other servants, to get know better, and to have an idea what kind of people work for this house.

He had smirked internally, he knew each and everyone like back of his hands, of course there were few new hall boys and maids but apart from that everyone are quite same.

He was about to decline when mar Carson _insisted _to dine with them and no one refuses Carson not even the Earl.

He ate his dinner quietly , he could feel Thomas's beady eyes over him and questioning why is a gardener is dining with them when he is really should be out of the house in his own cottage , to this Carson only replied it was none of his business and should keep his mouth shut .

But still the eyes of the servants were always there on him , watching every move , he knew with dark hair and rugged face with dark expression he looked different , but he felt he should get out of the three immediately , before anyone else finds out who he really is .

But the gossip of upstairs for so lively to catch up on.

In fact the servants even forgot the newly hired gardener when all they could discuss is Lady Mary.

Like a starved man dying from the thirst he latched on whatever they could talk about Lady Mary, it's been so long, seeing her has been most difficult thing he ever did, when all he could he could think to run to her arms and tell her how much he loved her, how much he missed her, how much he loathed to stay away from her.

He really had good self control.

Perhaps he learned from war, trusting his instincts first and never giving into emotions too much.

When Mary spoke to him, he nearly collapsed, he felt that some part of Mary hasn't given hope yet, like she is waiting for him to emerge from shadows and she will continue waiting.

So he remained patient and vowed to find out his attempted assassin soon.

He needed a plan but right now all he could do is listen what servants talk about Mary

"I heard she went loony right after Mr. Matthew's missing "Thomas spoke causing Matthew to clench his fingers under the table.

"Mr. Barrow as an under butler, you really should refrain using that language, you should respect this house and people living under it "Mrs. Hughes scolded him severely.

" but still she hasn't even noticed her son , she is always screaming and crying , she shuts off Anna like a stranger , she is rude and incompetent to everyone expect for Mr. Carson " Mrs. Patmore remarked

Matthew felt he could not breathe.

Mary hadn't noticed their son? Why isn't she with his son?

At this he grew very angry with her , he really wished to talk to her , to stop this ridicules notions , fatherly protectiveness covered him , he had held his baby longer than Mary , he loves his son more than anything , who is taking of his boy ? Nannies? He always hated nannies, he remembered how rude he was to nannies when his mother went to work and how he wished for his parent's company which he received plenty.

But then again he was missing in eyes of Mary, he should be there, Mary isn't fault here, he is, if there is to blame it's him, he caused the drift between Mary and his son.

"Why Mrs. Patmore sometimes I do think you should be little considerate towards her, she just lost her husband and in that state no woman can think of anything else expect their husband "Mr. Carson sipped on his tea while having grim expression.

"So he is dead? " Alfred spoke

Mr. Carson and Matthew both gave him a glare.

" He is not _dead _, he is only missing , they haven't found his bodies , and according to Mr. Branson there is no record of his body ever coming to all hospitals in London , he has checked everything and he still is , if there was such a news , we couldn't have known by then " Mr. Carson grew very red

" still it must be awful to be like this , of not knowing where he actually be , how he really is , I liked Mr. Matthew , he was gentle and kind to us " Daisy spoke softly .

Matthew's thoughts reverted back when he and William went missing and how he heard daisy had been worried sick for William; he felt so much sadness for the girl.

Everyone went quiet, each on his own thoughts.

Matthew tried to break the ice.

"But we don't know if he is missing or dead, he could be alive and he may be coming back soon, we have just to be positive about this "

"What makes you say that?" Thomas snide remark

Matthew smiled "because I don't believe in goodbyes, not yet "

Thomas stopped drinking his tea and observed Matthew carefully.

Matthew hid his face with his cap.

"I quite agree with Mr. Jacoby, we should all be positive about this, Mr. Matthew could be very well sitting in this room with us, and we can't mourn him, for Lady Mary's sake "Mr. Carson raised his glass.

"let's toast to his safety and wish him to come back quickly "to this everyone raised their mugs and glasses and cheers were spoken.

Matthew felt deep gratitude with his employers, while the upstairs could be grieving him, the downstairs optimism moved him he had no idea how loved he was here.

Expect for Thomas and Miss O Brian of course.

"What's with this cap?" Thomas asked.

"Nothing, will tell you later, I am tired, I think I should be off to bed, goodnight "he horridly got up and left the house.

"He is strange fellow isn't he?" he heard Mrs. Patmore

"Perhaps but I find this man's attitude already adjusting well "Mr. Carson's reply came.


End file.
